The Reasons Why I Will Not Have Children

The usual reasons:

1. They smell.

2. They are messy.

3. You have to take care of them all the time.

4. They don't go away for at least 18 years.

The medical reasons:

1. Brain shrinkage.

2. Loss of happiness.

3. Complete hormonal imbalance for 9+ months.

4. Breastfeeding.

5. Weight gain.

6. OMFG birth!??!?!

7. Insurance costs.

8. No alcohol for 9 months.

The personal reasons:

1. I spent enough time raising my little brothers.

2. I'm selfish.

3. I desire my own life.

4. I like my cats better.

5. I doubt my capacity to love.

She's Home

I think Moxie is finally to the point where she's both comfortable and happy here. She's lying a few feet away, half-asleep in the way only cats are--she wakes up every time I sneeze or yawn or straighten up, just to check to make sure nothing is changing, and then her eyes slowly flicker shut again.

A lot of people don't know how important pets are for people like me. I suffer from a lot of anxiety, a lot of panic, and a lot of fear. I've been homeless and slept on friends' couches. I've been poor enough to go for days without eating. I've been at the mercy of other people's moods, and let them decide what's best for me when I was not allowed to decide for myself. I've tried to write and explain crisis on here, but the few words that get out and published are the best I can do until I can fully grasp what it is to explain living in crisis for months on end. I think that moment won't come until I feel completely safe again. That may not happen within this year in AmeriCorps... but that's okay.

The point is, for people like me, pets are grounding. When I want to give up, give into the big world out there, my cats keep me here at home. And so, I try to create a home for them. I don't yell, or hit them, or force them to act contrary to their nature. I am calming and affectionate, especially toward Moxie, who still gets easily frightened and runs for a place to hide. Someday she won't run, and I'm patient enough to wait. When you live in crisis, fear of everything is your best survival tactic. I can't teach her to forget that, but I can show her what she doesn't need to fear.

Watching her drift asleep on Will's box of markers and pens, the other two cats not far and both sleeping too, I know she's getting closer, if not there already, to the point where she can call this place home too. I hope she does. I hope this place, with me and Will, even if it's not always at this place, can be her safe haven from the big, scary world out there.

Sleep well, sweetheart.

It's My Birthday!

Birthday song, courtesy of Animal & Swedish Chef:

Cancerland

I'm anti-Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

No, it's not because I hate the fact that my birthday month is overshadowed by that sickly pink color everywhere. No, it's not because I don't think breast cancer is important to talk about. No, it's not because I think October needs to belong to Halloween, or because other cancers don't get talked about* or any other silly superfluous reason.

I'm anti-Breast Cancer Awareness Month because the whole thing is an industrial complex designed to get people to buy buy buy while people die die die.

It's Sickening with a capital S. Here's what makes it worse:

We have found no evidence breast cancer is caused by abortions, early onset menopause, late childbirth, or any kind of behavioral choices. We have found no evidence there is a genetic aspect to breast cancer, and if there is, it is in a very small number of women. What we have found evidence in, is that when women live in industrialized countries, their rates of getting cancer go up. What we have found is that corporations use carcinogenic substances when they create products -- like plastics, cars, and more, so that when you buy buy buy, you most definitely die die die.

That's how it works. And the more money we spend on everything pink, every October (what is this, some kind of morbid holiday?), the more carcinogens are released in the air and into your body. The very companies RESPONSIBLE for releasing these carcinogens are the companies that pay big money to advertise all their teddy bears, ribbons, even walks for a cure**. Welcome to Cancerland, as Barbara Ehrenreich would say.

I don't like conspiracy theories, but I do believe that if a cure were to be found for cancer, there would be a massive corporate effort to keep it quiet. After all, there's no profit to be made in good health.

*My mother had leukemia, but there's no month for that particular cancer.

**AstraZeneca, which essentially created Breast Cancer Awareness Month, was a leading producer of pesticides recognized by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as human carcinogens. Now, AstraZeneca manufactures the drug tamoxifen, which is used as treatment for women with breast cancer. There are many companies doing this today -- creating the disease, finding a "treatment" (not a cure) to sell, and acting like a savior for making a profit.

Everything is a Challenge

Just when everything was starting to settle down in the home life (even our cats are adjusting to our new kitten!), another big thing comes up.

I don't feel comfortable talking about it in detail,* but it involves a possible ethics breach at my nonprofit. Best case scenario: the data has been misread and everything was a misunderstanding and hopefully we'll push past it and continue to do great work in our community. Worst case scenario: They get exposed for what's going on, I have to find another AmeriCorps position and possibly go to court about this to testify... eeek.

But the whole thing just hit me like a sack full of bricks. What if I've come to California and dealt with one horrible situation after another just to be working for yet another corrupt organization?** Did I cut my pay by 2/3rds just to be even closer to corporate pollution?

And that makes me feel utterly and completely lost in the world. Are there no more honest people left? When did the Dreamers turn into the Embezzlers? What happened to make Ivy League graduates steal billions on Wall Street? When did it become just common practice to exploit and steal and lie to get ahead in the world? Why do people act like this is okay? Why are they getting away with it!??!

That's not the world I want to live in. I became an AmeriCorps volunteer to make the world a better place. And I knew it was going to be hard work. I'm just horribly disgusted by everyone in the world around me who would rather take the easy way out and do something immoral rather than try a little harder to do good. Isn't doing good worth the effort?

*Uh, this is the Internet and all.

**Yeah, past PR firm? Totally corrupt, top-down.

Another Thing About Living On The Edge (Crisis Con't)

You spend so much time dealing with the routine

take the cats to the vet

pay the electric bill

get to work on time

wash the dishes

shower!

get to bed before midnight

finish that project at work

eat?

make sure there's a system in place

find where to get medicine for cheap

pay off credit cards just enough

the list goes on and on and on

and when it does, it's really hard to stay on track of the more important things

my cats

Will

my family

my friends

my dreams

because so much time is spent picking up shards of broken glass, hoping you haven't left anything on the floor that will cut your feet later, that you forget why you're even in this place, why you ended up here, where you were hoping to end up.

.

.

.

I came to California hoping to reconnect my life and do something meaningful. But is this meaningful? Am I making a difference? Is making the world a better place really what I'm supposed to be doing?

I feel like the older I get, the less I am able to handle. The less I know who I am. What I have more of is knowledge, truth, and will. And these things I hold onto because I know that when I cannot fight for my dreams, I can fight for the dreams of others. And that I will do courageously, honestly, and with great hope.

Maybe someday, I will have a dream of my own to fight for.

Could We Be So Lucky!?

Will told me there was a rumor going around that the Muppet Show might be remade! Could we be so lucky to be graced with the presence of the Swedish Chef again!??

How to Win in a Totally Fucked Up Way

Step 1: Get hungry. Decide that, rather than cooking (sorry Chef!), you, your co-worker, and your boyfriend should go out to get Thai food, since you haven't had good Thai since you left Chicago.

Step 2: Consult your co-worker's GPS system. Realize that there are dozens of Thai restaurants, and decide to go to the first one on the list.

Step 3: Drive to said Thai restaurant. Pull around to the back, where there will presumably be more parking. Notice there are lots of cars parked in the back, even though there aren't many people in the restaurant.

Step 4: Get out of the car, realize there is a woman standing by the doorway in her underwear. Ignore her, because you hear the sound of a kitten meowing.

Step 5: Catch said kitten. Immediately fall in love with kitten and decide to adopt it.

Step 6: Realize woman is now naked, and decide to get the hell out of there and go home with the kitten.

Step 7: Order pizza.

WIN!

It's true, we totally found a kitten behind a brothel and she is black and white and named Moxie. Pictures will be forthcoming.

Special Addition: Each of our cats has been found in its own unique way. Rodney was trapped between cinderblocks on the beach, and Basil was wandering around in a Walgreens. Moxie's story, however, is the best.