In Which I Fall to the Ground and Collapse

We have a home. We have a home.

I say this over and over again as if to comfort myself, but I feel uncomfortable still. I feel tired and sick and anxious.

I have been holding myself together for so long that all the tiny little pieces that have broken just want to fall down on the ground and I can't hold on any more. I want to shatter, I want to let myself fall apart, I want to let the pain and panic crumble around me and collapse.

I can't do this anymore, I want to say, but I have done it, and I made it out of the wreckage, and I'm on my way to healing from this disaster but for right now I just want to give up. Now that I'm standing on solid ground I want to be face down upon it and let the rest of the world drift around me. When everything feels sandpaper red and yellow, I want to feel the cooling gray-green fog surround me and soothe me back into a place I can be comforted. It is too much for me to try to stand up now.

It seems like we have just escaped a fire, and now, standing here and looking back, all we can do is feel our burns sting and watch the past turn to ash. We feel bloody and raw, we don't know what to do or how to act so we behave like we're angry, and then we cry because we are not really angry at all, we do not want to be angry, we just want to be but that is so hard right now. We do not know how to return to normalcy, how to do what we came here to do.

It is hard to be okay.

After being burned over and over again, every new hurdle, no matter how small, feels like yet another attack on our well-being. $45 down payment for electricity? Haven't we paid enough to be here? Haven't we sacrificed enough?

I know it will take time. I have prepared a recipe to make everything better:

Ingredients:

• 5 Walks to the beach
• 2 Cats to curl up with
• 1/2 Leftover pizza still cold
• Hugs, daily, from Will
• 1 Housewarming/Birthday party to spend time with friends
• 10 Heartwarming chats with friends and family (add more or less to taste)
• 1 Good book
• 2 Relaxing weekends

Instructions:

Go to bed early if you want to. Laugh at everything. Cry if you feel like it. Blend well. Add a dash of silliness, mix with organizing your stuff in a way that makes the apartment feel like home. Bake for as long as you need to rest. Remove from the oven when serenity starts to form on the crust. Let cool. Sprinkle your favorite music on top and enjoy!